Write Me Up

Official writing with some random thoughts

Little bit of prose June 16, 2011

Filed under: General Blog-tastic Writings — Dorothy Lynn @ 9:17 pm

I started writing a story that i really like. Of course, since I really like it, i probably will pamper it too much. But I wanted to put just a little bit of it on here to hopefully get some feedback. It is not enough to know what the story is completely about, but I am more looking for comments on style and the flow of it.

There was pressure coming from everyone. Pressure to continue her research. Pressure to fix her relationship with Jack. Pressure to stop her experiments. Pressure building on all sides, conflicting pressure, pressure that pushed her to the ground and up to the sky and blew her around like one of those poor insects that flies off a windshield after desperately trying to cling to it in spite of fifty mile-per-hour winds.
The sun hit the top of her head, heating her dark hair so that it radiated its own warmth. She thought about this heat and pressure, imagining it coming to a climax and pouring out of the top of her sunlit head in a cloud of steam, like a train. She pictured her face red, with a comic look, her ears making a whistling noise. If only she could release it all that easily, absorb it and channel it. She couldn’t though. They wanted her to decide. Decide what? To shut down her mind? To stop recording her thoughts? To stop telling the world what she found? And Jack. So many voices about him. These voices came in whispers, not screams, like the others about her work. These voices spoke in the eyes of her students, in between the lines of the articles of her critics, murmuring in pictures and news stories. These voices were the ones that she feared most, because what if, after everything she had said and done, what if these voices were true? They couldn’t be true though, because Jack would never lie to her. Unless he couldn’t lie. Unless she had made it so that he believed it now too.
It was unbearable, the sun racing down to hit her on the head, trying to burn her scalp. She couldn’t stand it any longer, this torturing heat. She picked up her coffee and walked back to her car, blinking hard in spite of her sunglasses. This sun! When did it get so bright? Her brain felt like a stew, bubbling and churning gray matter with thoughts tumbling up and down and around like bits of carrots and potatoes, with the sun heating it all until it threatened to overflow.

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4 Responses to “Little bit of prose”

  1. melinda Says:

    Yay for writing! (I enjoy reading your blog)

    I like the style. The inner dialogue that’s not quite divided into two people, but helps us get an understanding for what it’s like inside the character’s head– it’s catchy and in the spots it grabs the reader, it does so well.

    i think it’s the flow that’s keeping that grasp on the reader from being consistent. There were parts where I was nodding to the beat for a few lines… and then it would skip a bit… then I’d go back to nodding. I think that when you go through to revise, it might be helpful to read it aloud and hear where those “skips” enter (or maybe have someone else read it aloud to you, someone who doesn’t know the piece quite like you do).

    i do quite like the snapshot you gave us, though– it really is quite catchy.

    Yay writing!

    • Dorothy Lynn Says:

      yeah the skips were what I was worried about. I am actually trying to figure out how to do the transitions from inner dialogue to outer description more smoothly. I love poetry so much now and i want to use more imagery in my writing, but it is difficult to have that nice smooth transition. I’m also debating whether or not this story would be better in first person, since a lot of it is going to be this kind of in the head type of thing (the story is roughly about the beginnings of telepathic research….psychic kind of stuff), but i’m not quite sure yet. Thanks for your comments! and for reading! 🙂

      • melinda Says:

        One of the things I’ve seen people do, with varying degrees of success, is italicize the inner dialogue. It makes it easier for the reader to discern between the two, but forces the author to put each line into one of the two camps (when sometimes it might be nicer to leave them ambiguous).
        An advantage that would give, is it allows you as the writer to separately trace the two things going on, and develop a nice clear flow for each as an individual… then whatever jumps there need be, don’t feel as jarring to the reader.
        It’s tough… but a good problem to be having (it means you’re incorporating the two, which some people shrink from because of the trouble).

        Have you read Catcher in the Rye? I love the way that’s written, because we get so much of the character’s voice, without it actually being told first person… maybe we can find an in-between that works for you. Might be helpful to decide what are the most important elements of style and voice, and how those are each best maintained (and then cut your losses, but in your hands, I don’t think it will be a loss, because whatever you lose, you’ll just find a different way of bringing to the reader).

        Sounds like a very interesting concept… keep us posted!

  2. Dorothy Lynn Says:

    I’ve tried the italicizing in different stories, and in other parts that iIve written of this story too. I guess i’m still experimenting with it, because sometimes i love how it works, and sometimes i really hate it. mostly i think i just need to get it all down and then fiddle around with it. I haven’t read Catcher in the Rye, though now I am going to!


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