Plans change immediately when you get pregnant. Kelly and I had been kind of trying for awhile to get pregnant, but not to the point of planning everything out. I just am blessed to have a very very regular cycle so I could know when would be good.Anyway, I knew right away that I was pregnant because of my regular cycle, and I was about to go to Jumeau at the time to help with Nations, a college age group that comes to Kake every summer.
I was so SO hungry for those first couple weeks, but also incredibly tired. My body just would not function, even though my brain was okay. This was the first time that I felt kind of guilty about being pregnant. Everyone was super happy for me and very understanding, but I had gone up to Juneau to help out, and I just couldn’t function. And when I got back home to Kake it was even worse. I was supposed to lead some morning Bible studies, and I wanted to spend time with the group, and do summer activities like berry picking and hunting and fishing which are really important here, but I literally couldn’t do anything except sleep and eat crackers, and watch Bones on TV. (That was weird, the blood and guts of the crime show didn’t bug me while I was nauseous all the time)
I knew that all of this was considered normal, but I still felt so incredibly guilty, and also it was the first time that I realized that having a kid was going to change my life in ways I never even thought about before. I am very independent, and my job involves being around kids basically all day, but when I come home, I can do what I want, when I want it. Looking back now at those first parts of pregnancy, I can see the beginning of realization that I wasn’t my own person anymore, and that I was going to have to learn a lot of new things.
I still am learning— I want to do all kinds of things this summer too, but I know I will be limited because of having a kid now. But I’m learning not to feel guilty about it, or to be too disappointed. I hate letting people down, but sometimes building relationships is more important than being successful at a job, or getting ahead in life, and my daughter is teaching me that.
Just like most relationships I guess.