Write Me Up

Just writing. Maybe someone will read it.

The First Trimester February 26, 2016

Plans change immediately when you get pregnant. Kelly and I had been kind of trying for awhile to get pregnant, but not to the point of planning everything out. I just am blessed to have a very very regular cycle so I could know when would be good.Anyway, I knew right away that I was pregnant because of my regular cycle, and I was about to go to Jumeau at the time to help with Nations, a college age group that comes to Kake every summer. 

I was so SO hungry for those first couple weeks, but also incredibly tired. My body just would not function, even though my brain was okay. This was the first time that I felt kind of guilty about being pregnant. Everyone was super happy for me and very understanding, but I had gone up to Juneau to help out, and I just couldn’t function. And when I got back home to Kake it was even worse. I was supposed to lead some morning Bible studies, and I wanted to spend time with the group, and do summer activities like berry picking and hunting and fishing which are really important here, but I literally couldn’t do anything except sleep and eat crackers, and watch Bones on TV. (That was weird, the blood and guts of the crime show didn’t bug me while I was nauseous all the time)

I knew that all of this was considered normal, but I still felt so incredibly guilty, and also it was the first time that I realized that having a kid was going to change my life in ways I never even thought about before. I am very independent, and my job involves being around kids basically all day, but when I come home, I can do what I want, when I want it. Looking back now at those first parts of pregnancy, I can see the beginning of realization that I wasn’t my own person anymore, and that I was going to have to learn a lot of new things.

I still am learning— I want to do all kinds of things this summer too, but I know I will be limited because of having a kid now. But I’m learning not to feel guilty about it, or to be too disappointed. I hate letting people down, but sometimes building relationships is more important than being successful at a job, or getting ahead in life, and my daughter is teaching me that.

  Though I will say that taking care of a newborn is exhausting, boring, and wonderful all at the same time, and that makes absolutely no sense. 

Just like most relationships I guess. 


Opinions and how to voice them November 6, 2012

I hate that I’m afraid to write what I truly think. I am okay if I can cleverly disguise it in poetry or fiction, but often, I don’t want to write controversial things in a public forum because then it is there forever.
I think I have this fear because I hate conflict. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very argumentative person, but when it comes to real-life, hard conflicting issues, I keep my strong opinions to myself and those who I know won’t judge me or think less of me because I think of those things. I’m not saying that I’m afraid to voice my opinions or share my beliefs if people ask me (just ask anyone who knows me personally, and you’ll see that I’m very open about my life), it’s just that when I’m experiencing something new, or in the middle of a conflict, it takes me a long time to process it, and an even longer time to write about it.
Generally, this blog is for my writing, and I hope someday that it can be a place where my readers can keep up with me and my life. I never really meant for it to be a journal. But the truth is, there are a lot of things that are happening in my life that I don’t share, or even write about, and I can’t figure out why I’m afraid to use these experiences to expand my writing.

For example, last year I worked as a teacher. I taught 3rd and 4th graders, and I learned a lot of things from those crazy kids. I loved them, but honestly, I hated being an elementary teacher. It was one of the hardest years I’ve ever had, and I feel like all I did that year was go to work, grade papers, and worry about if I was actually helping these kids. There were awesome moments, and there were some amazing times when I got to see the effect I had on them, but it was so intimidating being in charge of the education of fourteen children for five days a week.

Another example is when I went to Alaska. I still have hardly written anything about that. I mean, I went to a Tlingit reservation for a month and got to learn about a completely different culture and language and world. It was amazing, and difficult, and heartbreaking. And I love the people that I met there and would go back in a second if I could. But I don’t really know how to use that in my writing. I don’t feel qualified to write about Native Americans because I am not one, and I don’t know what it’s like to grow up on a reservation and be a minority and live in a world where you are part of a country, yet not completely part of its culture and life. I don’t want to write something and misrepresent the people that I love, but I want to write about them because they changed the way that I look at my culture and my country.

The most recent example of this fear to incorporate my current life into my writing is in my relationships. I just started dating someone, and it is definitely a new experience. Like I said earlier, I like to disguise my true feelings and opinions in poetry and fiction. And actually, I only learned to write and share love poems when I took that creative writing class my senior year of college. So admitting to the world that I’m in a romantic relationship is kind of a big step. The people who I am close to in my life know all about my relationships, but other than that, I’m pretty private. But I want to write about it. Not so the whole world can be in my business, but because he is a part of my life, and my relationship with him shapes me, especially since it is a new and strange development. (New and strange because I’m not very experienced in having boyfriends…)

So there, some scary honesty. Much thanks to Poetjena (poetjena.wordpress.com), who always writes nice comments and encouraged me to be more honest in my writing 🙂