I am from… August 14, 2013

At the end of my trip to Alaska, one of our leaders had us all write a poem called I am from. We wrote it to help us think through who we are not according to the things we do, but according to our relationships and the places and people we come from. Here is mine.

I am from a small house.
I am from the neighborhood of close-parked cars and riding bikes on the sidewalk.
I am from summer nights sitting on the porch singing songs with friends.

I am from the lake.
I am from the green water and muck fights and algae in my hair.
I am from waffle lunch at Grandma’s house on Sunday afternoons.
I am from walking in a line of cousins out to the furthest point of the peninsula.
I am from fishing in the dog’s water bowl and playing pirates in the loft.

I am from stories.
I am from my great grandmother who stood against doctors and rules and trusted her culture.
I am from my great grandfather who ran away and found home.
I am from my grandmother who held her family together with strength and courage and a needle.
I am from my grandfather who fought fire and alcohol and himself and finally conquered them all.
I am from my mother who cares for all–from the greatest to the least.
I am from my father, a warrior for his mind, his heart, and his family.
I am from the green hills and mossy mountain and music that breaks your heart.
I am from trees that spread their arms in welcome and protect with their leafy shade.
I am from the history of words and written life, from years of conflict and beauty boiled down to hopeful art.

I am from questions and yearning curiosity.
I am from stars and atoms and unstoppable force/
I am from the mysteries of thought and consciousness.
I am from the need to discover.

I am from love.
I am form the One who created the infinite, vast spaces and the microscopic worlds.
I am from grace that gives all i need without asking.
I am from the favor of the Most High God, who shelters me under his wings.
I am from the original musician, who sings over me with incomprehensible love.

This is close to my heart. January 5, 2013

Mark Charles is a Native American writer/speaker who talks about hard things and then does more- he acts on them. On December 19th, he went to Washington D.C. to read the apology that was buried in a 2010 Department of Defense Act. It was never publicized, and what’s more, no elected officials even came to this reading to acknowledge it. This breaks my heart. Americans are always saying that we are appalled at the parts of our history where our ancestors exploited the native peoples, and yet we ignore the probelms that still exist today. We say that we are sorry, yet do nothing to show it. Mark Charles expresses very well how this feels to indigenous peoples, and he calls for action. Please check it out.

http://wirelesshogan.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-conversation-for-reconciliation.html

What now? December 1, 2012

Lately, I’ve been thinking about grad school. Just in general. I’ve been thinking that I want to go soon. I’ve been thinking that it would be good to have some structure to my studying. And, in spite of the fact that I see how crazy busy my boyfriend who is in grad school is, I’ve been thinking that it would be fun.
The problem is, I have no idea what I should study, and grad school isn’t like undergrad where you can just do a little bit of everything and pick at the end. Here is my current list of areas I’d love to know more about

Creative Writing- surprisingly, this is my last choice for grad school studies, not because I think I know everything about it, but because most programs seem to focus on short story and poetry writing, and I want to do neither of those.

Astronomy- mostly because I love space and practically anything to do with it. However, my brain starts to hurt when I think of all the physics and math I’ll have to take just to begin to understand astronomy. I could do it, but I would probably not be accepted into any programs without first taking a few qualifying classes, and the extent of my college level math was taking Math for Liberal Arts Majors…you can imagine how much use that would be in astronomy.

Native American Studies- Because I’m really interested in it. The history, the language, the culture, the literature (especially). However, I am not sure what use I would have for it yet. Or if I will even live in the United States my whole life. So it might be too specific, therefore…

Indigenous cultures studies- so this would be studying native american cultures but also other indigenous people groups around the world. More broad and perhaps more useful? But a LOT of history and I hate writing and researching historical papers….yick.

Languages- Currently I have taken classes in Spanish, French, Italian, German, and Latin. Right now I am trying to improve my French and am also learning Arabic through this program by Mango Languages. I also know about five words in Tlingit, and about three words in Hassaniya. (Look those up!) This is also really really broad for a topic. I guess I could do linguistics? Then it would also link into my international-ness and love of writing.

Neuroscience- this may just be because of my book. I am researching a lot about the brain and how it works, and also psychology and psychiatry, but I definitely do not want to study those. The science of the brain is very interesting though, and a little bit more approachable to my liberal arts self as far as the math side is concerned. maybe.

Music- this would be cool, but, well, I don’t think I’m dedicated enough to only study music. And if I go to grad school for it, my life will be nothing but music for a long time. And then I might get sick of it. And the drama that happens when a bunch of musicians get together…not a pleasant environment.

Philosophy- hey, if none of those other things work, I could always just be a philosopher. I seem to be pretty good at it, so why not?

Yeah, see my problem? I just covered a LOT of different topics. I constantly change my mind about which to do. Hopefully I can decide sometime soon. Or find an awesome school that lets me do a strange combination of ALL of them, because they recognize how crazy and smart I am. Ha! right…

Opinions and how to voice them November 6, 2012

I hate that I’m afraid to write what I truly think. I am okay if I can cleverly disguise it in poetry or fiction, but often, I don’t want to write controversial things in a public forum because then it is there forever.
I think I have this fear because I hate conflict. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very argumentative person, but when it comes to real-life, hard conflicting issues, I keep my strong opinions to myself and those who I know won’t judge me or think less of me because I think of those things. I’m not saying that I’m afraid to voice my opinions or share my beliefs if people ask me (just ask anyone who knows me personally, and you’ll see that I’m very open about my life), it’s just that when I’m experiencing something new, or in the middle of a conflict, it takes me a long time to process it, and an even longer time to write about it.
Generally, this blog is for my writing, and I hope someday that it can be a place where my readers can keep up with me and my life. I never really meant for it to be a journal. But the truth is, there are a lot of things that are happening in my life that I don’t share, or even write about, and I can’t figure out why I’m afraid to use these experiences to expand my writing.

For example, last year I worked as a teacher. I taught 3rd and 4th graders, and I learned a lot of things from those crazy kids. I loved them, but honestly, I hated being an elementary teacher. It was one of the hardest years I’ve ever had, and I feel like all I did that year was go to work, grade papers, and worry about if I was actually helping these kids. There were awesome moments, and there were some amazing times when I got to see the effect I had on them, but it was so intimidating being in charge of the education of fourteen children for five days a week.

Another example is when I went to Alaska. I still have hardly written anything about that. I mean, I went to a Tlingit reservation for a month and got to learn about a completely different culture and language and world. It was amazing, and difficult, and heartbreaking. And I love the people that I met there and would go back in a second if I could. But I don’t really know how to use that in my writing. I don’t feel qualified to write about Native Americans because I am not one, and I don’t know what it’s like to grow up on a reservation and be a minority and live in a world where you are part of a country, yet not completely part of its culture and life. I don’t want to write something and misrepresent the people that I love, but I want to write about them because they changed the way that I look at my culture and my country.

The most recent example of this fear to incorporate my current life into my writing is in my relationships. I just started dating someone, and it is definitely a new experience. Like I said earlier, I like to disguise my true feelings and opinions in poetry and fiction. And actually, I only learned to write and share love poems when I took that creative writing class my senior year of college. So admitting to the world that I’m in a romantic relationship is kind of a big step. The people who I am close to in my life know all about my relationships, but other than that, I’m pretty private. But I want to write about it. Not so the whole world can be in my business, but because he is a part of my life, and my relationship with him shapes me, especially since it is a new and strange development. (New and strange because I’m not very experienced in having boyfriends…)

So there, some scary honesty. Much thanks to Poetjena (poetjena.wordpress.com), who always writes nice comments and encouraged me to be more honest in my writing 🙂

Wednesday is for poets! October 17, 2012

This week is another one of my poems. I wrote it during my senior year of college while taking a creative writing class. I’m not sure how to describe this poem. For me, it was very hard to write, because it came out of some of the things I saw while staying with some friends on a reservation in Alaska. I have always wanted to learn more about Native American culture, and a few summers ago, I got a chance to experience it first hand and make some wonderful friends. I was struck by the culture difference, and the similarities. Like I said, it is hard to describe, and even though it has been a couple of years, I am still processing the experience. This poem is part of that processing, I guess.

trails

we are hidden for fear
of discovery. we cannot blame
anyone now, yet the fear
lingers. by searching
you sometimes find us.
mostly though, we
are invisible, the result
of our hearts’ desires.

crushed, misplaced, driven
to places we now call
home, but which are no
comfort. no longer
aspiring, no longer
fighting, no longer
crying. for acceptance
we laugh, but we
remember.

look closely. please look
closely. who will see?
filled hearts embrace
tragedy with beauty,
tradition barely keeps
us stable.